The Haman Gene

Haim Watzman

According to disturbing report in the latest issue of the British scientific journal Nature, a team of geneticists based at pharmaceutical giant Merck & Co. has discovered that a strange set of markers shared by 90 percent of all Jews indicates widespread intermarriage with the Amalekite nation in the Middle Bronze Age.

The comparative study became possible when a team of Israeli archaeologists uncovered an ancient Amalekite cemetery in a lightning excavation carried out in the Gaza Strip under air cover during Israel’s recent Operation Cast Lead. The cemetery contained human bones along with pottery depicting heroic attacks on the women and children of a contingent of dessert nomads, almost incontrovertible proof that the site belongs to the ancient Amalekite civilization. DNA extracted from the bones was used for a comparative study with the DNA of modern Jews.

“Given the Bible’s severe condemnation of the Amalekite people, and its command that the Israelites destroy them utterly, it’s nothing short of surprising to find that the two nations intermarried,” admitted the noted scholar of Jewish civilization and leading intellectual and adviser to Israeli leaders Yoram Hazony. “It will require a major reconceptualization of who and what the Jewish people are.”

Tel Aviv University archaeologist Israel Frankenstein suggested that the genes were acquired when rebellious Israelite teenagers snuck off in the desert night to attend the wild parties for which the Amalekites were famous.

“There wasn’t a whole lot to do in the Sinai wilderness, and the adults were so busy building the sanctuary that they didn’t bother to keep an eye on the teenagers,” Frankenstein suggested.

The discovery seems likely to have major religious as well as scientific repercussions. Leading rabbis and halachic authorities convened today to consider whether, in light of the discovery, the Jewish people is commanded to kill itself.

Happy Purim!

7 thoughts on “The Haman Gene”

  1. I’m sorry, but there is no news here. In the Talmud, it is stated that some of the greatest scholars of the Jewish people were decendents of some of the worst enemies of the Jews (I don’t have my books with me, so I can’t check- but I believe some were decendents of Amalekites). There is also the story of the Amalekite convert to Judaism who came to David just after King Saul was killed on Mount Gilboa in his battle with the Philistines and bragged that it was he who killed Saul. So we see that the TANACH (Bible) itself that tells us that there were Amalekite converts.

  2. I forgot to mention that I don’t get what the point of this joke is supposed to be, since as you know, Jews are not a ‘race’ anyway.

  3. Hah! I forwarded this on to my mom, who is a genetic research technician, and she was fooled by this foolery until she actually clicked on some links.

    What a hoot!

  4. Rebellious teenagers? Poppycock. Sounds like rebellious Priests put an end to the Social Party, IMO, but blame Sal Mineo, if it makes you feel warm and fuzzy. LOL.

    “Given the Bible’s severe condemnation of the Amalekite people, and its command that the Israelites destroy them utterly,…” Well, what can one say? God was a “super-nanny.”

  5. Funny stuff,

    You had me fooled until I got suspicious at “Frankenstein”…

    …thanks for the laugh.

  6. I have often wondered how things might have turned out if Solomon (the king who coined the slogan “make love, not war”) had had the courage of his convictions, defied priestly authority and public pressure and taken just one Amalekite wife…

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